I SAY, I say, I say. 'What lies at the bottom of the Clyde and shakes?' 

A nervous wreck...boom, boom.

Oh, yes, I remember the late Johnnie Beattie telling the old chestnut as part of his routine on the stage of Barrfields Pavilion Theatre. The Glasgow comedian was one of the last variety hall performers to return to Largs year after year.

With a twinkle in his eye, Johnnie, who was also the resident panto dame at the Ayr Gaiety, would have us rolling in our seats with such gems as "I said to my pal, I'm going to the doctor, because I don't like the look of my wife. He said, 'I'll come too, I hate the sight of mine."

See, if there had been a hate crime back in the day, Johnnie might have been reported to the polis!

The hazy days of summer - there was a time - and theatre was brought back to me on a visit to Largs Museum last week. I was delivering a cheque for £5,000 from the Kelburn Windfarm Trust towards the continuous improvements of the historic building, just off Main Street.

To my shame, I hadn't ventured into the wee Manse Court visitor attraction since before Covid. I had remembered it as a bit dark and Dickensian, with maybe even the odd cobweb in the corners. It has undergone a bright transformation under the new voluntary committee of the Largs & District Historical Society.

Having trod the Barrfields 'boards' over the last five decades I was immediately drawn to a new section entitled 'Let Us Entertain You' covering the 90 years plus story of the Largs seafront theatre.

The Pavilion was opened in 1930, specifically to provide summer entertainment for the locals and holidaymakers. By the 50s and 60s it was hosting two shows per evening. Those of my vintage will remember The White Heather Club TV show which followed Largs variety ones like The White Heather group, featuring the great Scottish tenor Robert Wilson.

The North Ayrshire Arts Centre was formed to bring in touring shows, and I remember that a Billy Connolly play, 'When Hair Was Long and Time Was Short', was brought to Barrfields in the 70s with tickets costing 60p and 30p concessions!

There are old photos and programmes of Largs Players and Largs Amateur Operatic Society shows from the past 80 years. Funnily enough, octogenarian Harry McEachan and veteran Players performer George Whitestone visited the museum while I was there. 

"I was Lord Haw Haw in the Players' summer show 'Happy As A Sandbag' in the 80s," says Harry. "Aye, and I was Neville Chamberlain and Major Montgomerie with a lisp," countered George. Oh, happy days.

There's also photographs and captions of seafront entertainment from the early 20th century of Joe Wesley's Minstrel Troupe and the Smart Set Cadets on the promenade and, even then, the audience stood in the rain.

I was the young editor when impresario George Bowie ran the summer shows at Barrfields with top Scottish variety entertainers like Francie and Josie (Rikki Fulton and Jack Milroy), Andy Stewart, Peter Morrison, Una McLean and husband and wife act Clark and Murray.

Says Gracie Clark to Colin Murray: "I say, driver, is this the Barking bus? 'No, madam, this one just goes 'toot, toot'."

So, scoot along to Largs' very own museum and discover hunners of things you never knew about oor wee toon. Volunteer Christine Thomas is pictured at the entertainment display.

Thought for the Week: Why is it that when you lose a sock in the dryer it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers?

Now that the Euros and Wimbledon have finished with worthy winners, our sporting thoughts turn to the Olympics and, of course, the Open golf at Royal Troon, with some local golf club members acting as stewards at this week's championship.

The Olympics return to Paris next month where they were, in fact, revived and expanded in 1924, although the Games had been held in Athens in 1896.

Further back in time, the original Greek Games were held in Olympia from 776 BC to 393 AD with running, jumping, throwing, wrestling and chariot racing. It is noted that when boxing was introduced the fighters were urged to avoid attacking the male genitals which were on display!

The wily Greeks did not invite any other countries, so that they would win, presumably. They also didn't invite women, but I'm not sure whether this was because the sports took place in the nude. Anyone caught cheating was whipped. Ouch!

PS: Wearing clothes to take part in the Largs Fun Run is mandatory.