A friend of mine has just returned to North Ayrshire after staying down south for a while. 

He told me he was going to live in Cannae. When I asked where that was he replied: "I’m back in the land of Cannae. Cannae build two wee ferries, cannae fix the potholes, cannae go into Glasgow by car any more, cannae see a doctor or a dentist, cannae drive after having one beer, cannae say a man isn't a woman and so on."

Expanding on his theme, the friend (we'll call him John, because that's his name) pointed out that India landed a spacecraft on the moon for a reputed £75 million, but the Scottish government cannot float two boats at Port Glasgow for £350m - and still counting. 

At this rate some of the islands will become as uninhabited as the moon.

What mystifies me, in this era when governments say that they don't have enough money for this, that and the next thing - and the NHS is a black hole which sucks in billions but never gets more efficient - is why are we still sending foreign aid and "business investment" to superpower India.

Apparently, latest figures show that we gave India £2.4 billion between 2016 and 2021 and sent them £57m in aid last year. 

I suppose we can't say that we have nothing to show for it. Consider the following: the chief executives of Google, Microsoft, Adobe, Mastercard, Novartis, Diageo, Harman, Micron, Palo Alto, IBM, Starbucks and many other big companies have one thing in common. They are all Indian. So money well spent perhaps?

Oh, and there's Rishi Sunak, Home Secretary Suella Braverman, Ireland's Prime Minister, the American vice-president and, of course, the Mayor of London. Not to mention the Indian restaurant in Largs Main Street.

What's that you say, sir? About 16 per cent of India's population live in poverty. And 16% of 1.4 billion is a heck of a lot of folk. So, why are they spending £75m and the rest on a spaceship?

Speaking about the philosophy of some of my friends (we proudly call ourselves the GOM - the Grumpy Old Men), Peter told me a tale this week about how politics and influence works. It goes like this...

"I told my son: you will marry the girl I choose." He said, "No!"

"I told him: "But she is Bill Gates' daughter." He said: "Oh, OK."

"I called Bill Gates and said: "I want your daughter to marry my son." He said: "No!"

"I told Bill Gates: "My son is the CEO of the World Bank." Gates replied "Oh, OK."

"I then called the President of the World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said: "No!"

"I told him: "My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law."  He said: "Oh, Ok."

And that's how politics works. Simples.

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Thought for the Week: I would like to apologise to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.

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Back in the day, you fixed up a date at the pub, the dance or even the workplace. But they tell me it's all done online now.

Whatever happened to the chat lines like, 'Hi, I'm writing a phone book, can I have your number?' Or 'If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together'?

At least you knew how you stood before the first drink was finished. But, now, it's all texting and sexting (whatever that is, madam). So, no wonder there is a new movement called 'are you ok.co.uk.'

They have started putting up posters in the local pub toilets announcing "Hi, I'm Angela." It's a little disconcerting at first in the gents' toilet.

I'm being asked if I'm on a date that isn't working out, and whether I feel that I am not in a safe situation. Well, I only came in for a pint of Guinness.

However, the toilet poster gets right to the point. "Is your Tinder or POF date not who they said they were on their profile?" 

Tinder, I've been told about. It's a sort of modern Blind Date. POF seems to be aimed at the older "client" and stands for Plenty of Fish, in the proverbial sea.

By this time the poster asked: "Does it all feel a bit weird?" and I was nodding my head. But, not to worry, all I have to do in The Paddle Steamer pub is to go to the bar and "ask for Angela" and they will either call me a taxi or help me out 'discreetly'.  They might even pull me another Guinness.

I'm a bit old for all this hanky panky but, just in case, I have an up-to-date chat line.  "It's girls like you that cause global warming!"