Drew Cochrane: What do star signs really say about you?

Apparently, we Virgos are solid, reliable (I've never missed a weekly column in over 400 attempts), and stoic (you should see my stiff upper lip).

We'll skip the bit that says Virgos are blessed with powerful intelligence but cursed with self criticism (you should hear the things I tell myself in the mirror.)

Astrologers tell me that I have a 'laser beam' of perceptiveness about people - I call it gut instinct - and we tend to be smart, and organised (don't ask her indoors).

We are communicative and fast. Is that why Beyonce, and Keanu Reeves are Virgos? Not to mention Prince Harry and the late lamented Mother Teresa, and the fleet footed Michael Jackson.

We have a sense of style. Even after 10 years of 'early' retirement I do miss wearing my suits and collar and ties. Indeed I have a running row with she who must be obeyed about throwing out my redundant sartorial elegance. Mind you, I would look kind of odd jogging round Inverclyde sports centre in a suit.

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At this point some readers may well be sneering but here's something they might agree with. Apparently, I judge, snipe and gripe, qualities which an editor admires in a newspaper columnist. It is also difficult to get anything past a Virgo (except when we're in goals at our walking football).

I don't quite know what to make of the trait that Virgos can have 'hot sex' - whatever that is - with Pisces people. Hot sex? What did I say about science fiction. And Pisces people sound a bit fishy.

Now, as a spiritualist, I do believe in synchronicity; things happening for a reason, but I still haven't got my head around why folk get tattoos. So, I decided this week to turn my thoughts to what the astrologists are saying about Virgos in their horoscopes.

Today my sign asks, 'what makes bad boys and girls so attractive?' It goes on to say that recent events have reinforced the dangers of reckless impulsivity. Well, apart from ordering a language translator contraption, which turned out to be in Chinese, I haven't had much chance to be impulsive recently.

Another one suggested that someone had given me information in confidence, and I intend to keep my word and not spill the beans (Come on, I'm a journalist, for goodness sake).

Continuing the theme a magazine horo states that "not everyone shares your integrity and modesty" (I'm blushing) but continues that if I've done something worth shouting about, make sure it's me who shouts - as if I would.

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In another prognostication, which tried hard to lump all of us Virgos together, it said: "As we move towards the powerful Supermoon you're beginning to realise how valuable a recent challenge has been. Hope is at hand."

I hope so but if I want to find out more I have to phone a premium number with calls costing about a £1.75 a minute!

Again, the cunning creators of horoscopes go for homogenous assertions such as "in times like these, sanity is all that really matters. Do whatever makes you smile today (like reading horoscopes?). If that's doing the same thing over and over again - Groundhog Day - then go for it!"

One of the doyens of astrology, Russell Grant, tells me that trying to put a tough prospect into words can pay off (like writing a weekly column when nothing much is happening).

I could go on but I'm running out of space (Editor's Note: Yes, get on with it). Clairvoyant Sally in You magazine says: "You may have to yield to some kind of higher power" - her indoors, obviously - and, encouragingly, "You will find that doors that had been closed to you will begin to open of their own account."

My father, also a Virgoan, always advised me to "keep the heid". Unlike that famous Virgo figure, Louis the 16th, who became the last king of France when he was beheaded. Virgos? It's all in the execution.

Thought for the week: You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

A political footnote

When North Ayrshire Council splashed an eye-watering, gobsmacking £330,000 this year on 'refurbishing' the public toilets on the prom did they forget to put money aside to keep them clean and functional?

I ask because of a post on the local Facebook pages when Alan McDowall reported that one cubicle had no lock on the door, and two others had no seats on the pans! So much for maintenance.

Alex Williams complained that "the big stupid barrier" blocks two of the sinks making access difficult. Brian Smith stated that surely the 40p entrance fee should cover the cost of a cleaner and repairs.

Former community councillor Valerie Lundie commented that for such a huge cost the equipment should have been vandal proof stainless steel.

As I wrote before in this column, when council officers can plunder the seafront car park fund to pay for projects they neglect to also pay due diligence as happened with the costly failed car park 'modern' mechanism.

I wonder how many of the council bureaucrats, involved in signing off these jobs, did so sitting in their living rooms in front of the telly?