BEFORE the 'Stinky Rebellion' and mad Green mobs cancel aviation, as it is, apparently, a deadly threat to the planet, I've managed to squeeze in a (final) 19,000-mile round trip to the other side of the world.

Speaking of the 'Stinking Rebels', if you think that I'm a bit harsh on the eco-warriors consider the following from the Western Australian newspaper: Referring to the activists who stopped traffic and, would you believe, people from getting into a climate change conference - and attacked police horses - columnist Rita Panahi wrote: "What unmitigated nonsense. The great majority of people are thoroughly fed up with the pack of ill-informed brats who feel they're entitled to obstruct, inconvenience and abuse law-abiding citizens.

"If police fail to take a hard line with lawless activists there is a danger that the public will take matters into their own hands. Police need to reclaim the streets from a minority of misfits."

Hear, hear; I love a voice of reason.

I've been visiting daughter Sarah and grandchildren Josh and Holly who live in a seaside town, Safety Bay, south of Perth, Western Australia.

READ MORE: Cochrane's Column: Eye-opening trip to Oz reveals social healthcare demand Down Under

On the Hop-on, Hop-off tour bus they tell you that Perth is the world's most isolated and sunniest city. Your car would have to travel 2,500 kilometres to reach Adelaide in south Australia and, to go by train to Sydney, on the east coast, it would take 66 hours, including three nights on board!

Regarding rail journeys, on impeccably clean trains where eating and drinking is not allowed, it only cost seven pounds for an adult and two kids for a return trip, the equivalent of Largs to Paisley.

I also took the opportunity to look in on former Largs man Sandy Cureton who resides happily in Mandurah, a resort not unlike our wee town, except they have the spectacle of diving dolphins and pelicans on their waterfront.

Another 'slight' difference between an Aussie shore walk and a stroll along Largs prom is the different signage. While we have our 'Don't Feed The Seagulls' warning Safety Bay urges you not to feed "the sea lions" plus "Beware the snakes".

(Image: Contributed) At the risk of alienating some readers (Editor's note: what's new?) I rather like their signs of "Your dog is not welcome on this beach".

However, they do have designated beaches for canines, backed up by plenty of 'Doggie Dumpage' bags - a $100 dollar fine for not complying. Mind you, like here, I didn't notice any dog wardens.

Sandy, a former IT manager with IBM, has a claim to fame in that he gave a young Sam Torrance his first pair of golf shoes at Routenburn before the golfing superstar went on to Ryder Cup victories. (For local reference Sandy, who did his schooling in Largs, is married to Joan from the Smith family who still run the Willowbank Hotel.)

Incidentally, in my 14 years of visiting the land of Oz (yes, it's me what's caused the hole in the ozone layer) there is always a shark attack on the news. Sure enough, an English backpacker had his foot bitten off by a 'Jaws' while swimming off the coast. Beware the sharks!

It has been a joyful re-union with my family for a few weeks. Not exactly, a hop, skip and jump 'down under' especially the daunting 17-hour direct flight from London Heathrow to Perth. It’s the fourth longest intercontinental flight in the world but don’t fret all you lentil munchers, I will cover my carbon footprints by going vegan… for a few hours.

Thought for the Week: Officer, officer, I was just having a smoke outside the pub when I was stabbed by a man who stole my watch! "Smoking outside a pub, you say..."

Australian sign

I have to share the sign I came across down under. It stated: Five Ways For A Man To Be Completely Happy.

1. Be with a woman who makes you laugh; 2. Be with a woman who gives you her time; 3. Be with a woman who takes care of you; 4. Be with a woman who really loves you.

And, lastly and most importantly, make sure these four women don't know each other!

So, the Aussie husband was sitting in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not one single dart hits the target.

From another room the wife shouts: "What are you doing?" Husband: "Missing you."