Drew Cochrane on Mpox and the media's virus scare stories

I know that may shock some of you but, heh, it's just too dangerous. You just have to turn on the tv news and the dreaded Monkeypox is all around you. Or so the media would have you believe. We're doomed. Again.

While new strains of Covid come and go and politics (yawn) is in a repetitive rut, the 24/7 media always need a new 'Project Fear'.

So, Monkeypox - or Mpox, which they have diplomatically renamed it, in case it offends any apes or chimps - has been about since the 1950s. And, yes, coincidentally it was when I was born, but I'm sure it had nothing to do with me.

But it is the new scare in town. In fact, some of the ever-zealous scientists and politicians have even been talking about locking down people who somehow get it. Can't beat a good lockdown, eh? They'll be wanting us to wear masks next and queue outside shops.

Oh, the headlines have been flying around in the past week: "How UK hospitals are tackling the virus"; "Monkeypox is spreading among gay men worldwide" (shades of AIDS); "Got a new rash? Mpox?"

A file photo showing the rash caused by the monkeypox, or mpox, virus (Image: PA)

Newspapers, radio and tv can't get enough of the hysteria fear factor.  Believe me, news editors get off on it (Editor's Note: Leave me out of this). Sky News ran a programme 'special' dedicated to the mild virus.

What's worrying is that many of the symptoms are similar to Covid. So how can you tell when you phone in sick? You'll have a fever, fatigue and a headache. Well, apparently it's like the old chicken pox (yes, we remember that, don't we madam?), with a rash appearing...all over.

I just hope there's not as many variations of Mpox as there are monkey...260 different species, to be (almost) precise.

You can just hear the doctor at Moorburn medical centre. "I'm afraid you've caught the orangutan variety. I can tell by your red bottom. I prescribe a bunch of bananas." (Editor: You're not taking this seriously. And anyway, an orangutan's not a monkey, it's an ape. Different branch of the evolutionary tree.)

For the one in half a million of you who get it, please keep it to yourself. And the good news is they already have a failsafe vaccine. So, maybe, we're not doomed after all. The media will have to find something else to scare us with. And they will.

Keeping to a wildlife theme, it would seem that we will have to get rid of the noisy jet-skis and motor boats from the local coast because they are frightening the fish and interfering with their breeding.

The revelation comes from researchers from the University of Essex who, naturally, had to travel all the way round the world to the Great Barrier Reef in eastern Australia (well, it's much, much warmer than Largs) to test how boat traffic affect the fish.

By introducing 'traffic calming' on the coast, the boffins determined that 25 per cent more breeding of yon spiny chromis fish (yes, honestly) took place in quieter areas of the sea.

You can just see the new signs on the prom. Do Not Disturb The Fish.

Thought for the Week: If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

I woke up this morning and felt...well, how can I describe it? A bit woke.

I realised that if you become woke you can be part of the thriving cancel culture.

You can cancel comedians whose jokes you don't like, ban music that makes your ears bleed, and, of course, phone the polis to arrest someone for tweeting.

So, in a new spirit of wokeness or wokery - or is it wokeapedia? - I want to apologise on behalf of Largs for holding a Viking Festival.

No, I've nothing against Norsemen with big horns, but I feel I should take a stand and apologise for the Viking slave trade. It's the trendy thing to do.

Is it time to say sorry for the Vikings' plundering, pillaging and enslaving more than 800 years ago? (Image: Charlie Gilmour)

None of your namby pamby political apologies for things that happened only a few centuries ago. Oh no, I want to issue a public apology for the slavery that goes back to 800 AD, when those marauding Vikings sailed hither and thither, plundering, pillaging and enslaving men, women and children.

I bet yous didn't ken that DNA mapping found that a significant percentage of the Scandinavian female population had Gaelic origins from Scotland and Ireland. Just as well we repelled the blighters at the Battle of Largs in 1263.

So, do I still want to apologise for Viking atrocities? Don't be daft. I think I've just woke up.